My girlfriend is ace. How do I calm my libido?

[leaflet owo]

Hey y'alll,

Me and my girlfriend are in the process of figuring this out and I just wanted some outside help on this. She is such a lovely amazing person and I am so grateful that we found eachother! We have differences but we're more similar than anything, with lots of shared interest. Something I love about our relationship is our open communication, but despite that I was still scared to tell her about my growing want for sexual intimacy.

While she doesn't like receiving sexual affection, she loves giving it to see my reaction but lately we haven't been in the mood to achieve that atmosphere (and the distance makes it harder; we live in different states). I've been scared to ask her for that intimacy because I'm scared I might ask or want too much of her, and I don't want to pressure her into situations that she doesn't want, and try to push for her to tell me when she's in the mood or not (specially the not). This has led to me asking for it sometimes, and her saying "I'm not feeling it right now" (or something similar) which is great!.. For her, but for me I started feeling bad for asking her so consitently. Eventually it felt like we just stopped talking which felt even worse, so I told her about my lonelyness (to which she responded she felt similarly), and a few days later I told her about pretty much what I've said already here.

She responded something along the lines of "I'm really glad you told me, but I'm not sure what to do with this information." Fair . Neither do I . She suggested and idea that I liked, but I haven't really gotten back to it. Before I tell y'all what it is, could you give me some ideas on how to respond to our situation?

Thank you!
- leaflet

[amber]

Hi leaflet!

I wanna start by acknowledging that both of your desires, or lack thereof, are valid and worthy within the relationship. I seems to me like you are very respectful and adamant about acknowledging you partners wants/needs. I think it could be helpful to give yourself similar grace - your desires for sexual intimacy are not an intrusion but rather just as valid as your partner's lack of desire.

I do hear you on your worries about "pressuring" her, though your instincts to communicate and share your desires and loneliness showcase a great start on working through this issue. It is not easy to be vulnerable, especially when we are sharing desires that we know may be conflicting to our partners'. I do think it is also important to note that this is an issue you both need to work on (and care about) to solve.

Did you feel like her response helped you in any way through those issues of intimacy?

If you would like, we could also discuss ways to fulfill sexual desire outside of your relationship or nonsexual forms of intimacy that may fit better inside of your relationship.

[leaflet owo]

Thank you for your response amber!

Her response helped yeah, it showed me that she wants me to have that desire fulfilled which feels rly nice:3. I don't know to what extent though, and we haven't rly talked about it since.

It js seems we're both really busy, especially as the school year and clubs start up again and aghhhh. She's told me (before this) that she's okay with polya bc for her it means her girlfriend (me!) gets more love<333. Currently it's just us but I'm willing to explore, I just also don't know of anyone around here may want to... interact sexually with me, nor if I would like to interact that way with someone who isn't my girlfriend, nor how I would even tell my parents where I'm going if I go out to fuck a girlfriend
(1. Im too young to be fucking anyone (lol) and 2. they don't support polya relationships (they support me and everything else, js not that) because they didn't want me or her cheating. I talk with my girlfriend a lot about that too because I don't want to cheat and we sure to set boundaries which are very loose at the moment. Mainly just telling the other the gist or details of romantic/flirtatious/sexual interactions with others and a heads up before they happen as best we can)

In response to your last paragraph, I'd love to hear your ideas about sexual intimacy outside the relationship and nonsexual forms inside the relationship
Also in response to that, for intimacy outside the relationship... Ig id like to hear your opinion too actually because I've tried other things because I don't want to "demand" for intimacy with her. In the end, I mostly found out that it's not only sex I want, but sex with her (or as close as you can get over call yk)
I would also really like to know about non-sexual forms of intimacy! If we can have that connection without me having to think (or smth) about sex then maybe I could hold out for longer before libido takes over?

Thank you so much for your help!! I appreciate it a lot
- leaflet

[char]

Hi leaflet owo! I've let Amber know that you've responded to her, but for now, I can offer you my two cents about nonsexual intimacy. Intimacy here doesn't just mean physical--like hugging or patting them on the head for example--but also emotional. When you're emotionally intimate with someone, you feel comfortable sharing our more private and/or vulnerable parts of your thoughts and emotions. Intimacy can also be done through actions, such as making a playlist of songs for them or taking them to one of your favorite hangout spots that you usually won't tell other people. We have an article about this if you'd like to read further: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. Maybe many of these activities aren't new to you, but do you think you can intentionally apply some of them in your relationship to build connection?