masturbation feels overstimulating, can’t feel pleasure from it

[kitkatk8]

I just bought my first vibrator/rose toy per my pelvic floor therapist, as I have vaginismus and it is recommended to help with dilation. But it just feels overstimulating. I have never been able to feel pleasure yet, soI tried the rose toy in the shower and it just felt kind of odd. I definitely felt something but I wouldn’t describe it as a pleasurable feeling. It just felt like a lot. How can I start to feel pleasure? I have a sex drive but find difficulty physically showing arousal (although I mentally get aroused). I’ve tried using the faucet, playing with my clit, and the toy, and the only thing that makes me feel something is the faucet and rose toy. But it still doesn’t feel “pleasurable”, it just feels a lot and kind of overstimulating. What do I do? I really want to feel pleasure and my pt recommends it, but I haven’t been able to reach that point.

[HannahP]

Hi Kitkat! This is a common issue that many people have when they try to start masturbating. It can be tricky at first to find the sweet spot between it feeling understimulating and overstimulating.

The first thing to know is that you don't need to (and probably shouldn't) try to "push past" any kind of unpleasurable or overstimulating feeling. Masturbation is supposed to feel pleasurable the whole time, and if it's not feeling good, that's often a good sign to back off rather than push forward.

It sounds like you already know that it's important that you're feeling aroused before you try to start touching your vulva. It does sound to me like you're likely using your toy before you're really aroused enough, even if you do feel like you're mentally aroused. To start with, I'd suggest reading this article, which has some great ideas for things you can do before you start masturbating to get into a good frame of mind: Take a Self-Love Road Trip: Let Curiosity Guide Your Masturbation.

Another thing I'd say is that while a lot of people like suction vibrators like the rose toy, they can be a little trickier for beginners than a regular vibrating toy. One thing that's great about a regular vibrating toy is that you can use it over a layer of fabric, like on the outside of your underwear, which can be great if having it directly against your clit is overstimulating. Here's our article about suction vibrators, How to Play With Toys: Suction Vibrators, and bullet vibrators, How to Play with Toys: Bullet Vibrators, for you to compare. But even if you stick with your rose toy, I'd suggest trying some lubricant as the article mentions. That can help make it more pleasurable and less overstimulating.

[kitkatk8]

Thank you! I will definitely read these articles. The other issue im having is im not even sure what pleasure feels like. So I don’t know what to expect. Currently when I try to use the toys I bought, it feels almost like the urge to pee (im not sure if that is overstimulation or what) & im not sure if thats normal. What is pleasure supposed to “feel like”? Although I know it’s different for everyone.

[kitkatk8]

It feels like a rising/increasing feeling, and it makes my back arch. But it feels like I have to stop (which im assuming is overstimulation. It doesn’t hurt at all, it just feels like this overwhelming feeling that I don’t know how to describe besides that I have to pee. I’m not sure if this is considered the feeling of pleasure as I just don’t imagine it to feel like this.

[amber]

Hi kitkatk8 !

The feeling like you have to pee is actually a common sensation experienced with sexual pleasure. Still I agree with Hannah that you do not need to 'push-through' anything that feels uncomfortable for you.

As Hannah also mentioned, the suction toys can be a little tricky for people new to vibrators. Have you tried using the toy in combination with others forms of touch (like your hands or the faucet)? Switching up the 'intensity' of the touch may help you both feel good but not overwhelmed. Does that make sense?

[kitkatk8]

Hi! I have tried the faucet and a handheld shower head. Once it hits the spot, it feels good but then I reach that point of overstimulation again almost like a jerk reaction where I have to take the pressure off me, as it feels too sensitive to touch anymore. I want to get past that point as my pelvic floor therapist gave me the goal of reaching an orgasm. What do I do? I feel like I’m stuck at an annoying point. I don’t feel anything from my hands (barely) so that’s not an option. I also don’t feel anything from penetration or my breasts. So I don’t know what to do

[Anya]

Hey kitkatk8,

Pelvic floor therapy can be quite helpful for some in setting those goals and acting as a support system to help us find useful tools but I do want to make sure this "goal" reaching isn't doing any harm to your mental/emotional state regarding pressure or any feelings of shame which can be common for people. When there's an aim we can't quite reach yet regarding our bodies it sometimes can cause even more stress or insecurity (ie. exacerbating feelings of "why isn't it happening when i've already tried so hard for so long") so I want to make sure if you're feelings any of that, that you're mentioning it to your pelvic floor therapist and honoring those feelings as valid. There really is no timeline for these things as I'm sure you've been told, but it sure can be frustrating when we want this thing to happen and for some reason it still isn't.

I also want to offer a few additional options regarding the toy which im not sure have been provided to you yet. In terms of sensitivity, there are a few types of buffers you might consider to remove some of the intensity from the toy when you're using it. You might try using it over underwear or pants, put a thin blanket in between your body and the toy; or putting the toy in somethings like a sock. when introducing fibers to sensitive skin you do want to ensure that friction doesn't become a problem like, stop if it hurts, moisturize or air out after if needed, and be gentle and soft with your body. Does the idea of a
"buffer" appeal to you at all? Let me know your thoughts

[Heather]

Hey there, kitkat.

In addition to what Anya offered, can I ask if, before you do this -- or any other kind of genital stimulation -- you're engaging in a LOT of buildup, both in your heads -- like with fantasy -- and also by engaging in some touch of less sensitive parts of your body first, including places like your mons and outer labia? Are you very turned on when you're trying these things, maybe even to the level that you feel very aroused before you even *start* touching your clitoris?

I do also want to say that no one should be making orgasm a goal, and I'm really bummed to see a pelvic PT, of all people (who usually know better), telling a patient to make it one. Something we have known in the study of sex for a very, very long time is that when people intentionally try to have an orgasm -- rather than just exploring sex and touch and letting bodies do whatever they are going to do when it comes to response, focusing on pleasure, NOT orgasm -- it is much, much less likely that person will have one, and also much, much less likely that person will even enjoy what they're doing. I'd strongly suggest you ignore that advice, because it's flatly bad advice. If you feel up to talking with them about it, by all means, go for it, but it's also okay to just ignore this.

Can I ask why you're seeing a pelvic floor PT in the first place? That's pretty unusual for someone your age, so I'm just trying to see if whatever that reason is might have anything to do with the troubles you've been having enjoying yourself sexually.

[kitkatk8]

I have vaginismus and pelvic floor dysfunction! So already my thoughts surrounding sex are frustration. I want to have sex, so it’s I think for me atleast trying to feel pleasure is my step into that door while I’m working on getting cured. I’m currently doing dilation at home. If you have any tips to quicken vaginismus treatment that would be much appreciated!

I’ve also tried using a buffer and I barely feel anything from that. I’m kind of stuck between too much pleasure and not enough. Usually I use my toy when I’m horny or am doing my dilation.

[Heather]

Thanks for filling me in, It really helps to know about both of these. Alas, there's no such thing as hastening treatment in the way I think you're asking about.

But: I do think it's worth a conversation with your PT about spectatoring -- that's what it's called when people are trying to orgasm but can't because they are focusing on it -- and why she's suggesting something ("trying to have an orgasm") we know is a problem in sexual health. Depending on how you feel about that conversation and what, if anything, they suggest instead, it may be that you might want to consider switching to a different pelvic PT. If they keep suggesting things like this, then yeah, some of what's she's having you do may actually make the issue worse/harder instead of better when it comes to orgasm.

Can you circle back to this for me?

In addition to what Anya offered, can I ask if, before you do this -- or any other kind of genital stimulation -- you're engaging in a LOT of buildup, both in your heads -- like with fantasy -- and also by engaging in some touch of less sensitive parts of your body first, including places like your mons and outer labia? Are you very turned on when you're trying these things, maybe even to the level that you feel very aroused before you even *start* touching your clitoris?

[kitkatk8]

I’ve noticed that even when I’m horny I don’t really show arousal besides a tingling feeling. Because I’m on birth control I need to use a lot of lube because of dryness. I recently bought a bullet vibrator that heats up, but it seems to not do very much, I can feel the sensitivity but no pleasure. I feel really defeated as I’m stuck between no pleasure at all and too much stimulation. I feel like I’ve tried every possible recommendation and tip and feel stuck. Please help.

I do want to add that I have started using estrogen cream (or estradiol?) to help with my dryness and lack of arousal. Im hoping that will make some changes along with taking supplements that help blood flow and arousal.

I feel like a broken machine. I crave sex and feel horny all the time so not being able to release that feeling is really upsetting.


Is it possible my nerves are messed up?

[Heather]

That -- having an issue with your nervous system that's impacting all this -- seems very unlikely to me, especially since you're reporting feeling overstimulated, not under.

I really want to help solve this mystery for you, kitkatk8, so I went back and reviewed your posts to date, and I have some questions I don't know the answers to that I think might give me some more clues. I know you have talked to healthcare providers about this for a while now, so you're probably pretty sick of answering questions about it, but if you can humour me a little, I do think I can help better if I have this information.

1) Can you tell me some more about your vaginismus diagnosis? What brought you in to an OB/GYN that got you that diagnosis in the first place? Do you have any history of sexual abuse or other trauma, including things like physical trauma in that area due to some kind of injury?

2) Can you also tell me more about the pelvic floor issues you've been diagnosed with, and what the provider(s) who diagnosed you with it think it is a result of?

3) Can you remind me what happens if you don't use something like a vibrator or the shower on your vulva, but instead just slowly and gently explore with your fingers, really taking your time -- let's say spending around a half hour -- only building up pressure and/or speed slowly? Do you still feel overstimulated? Does that kind of touch feel nice, or...? We talked earlier about you using a buffer, and you said you barely felt anything: but when that was going on, did you try to slowly take away the buffer, and start with your toy on the lowest setting, again, building up as you go?

4) What supplements are you taking and who prescribed the estrogen cream for you? I ask about the former because there really aren't supplements proven to do that (and it also doesn't seem like arousal is your issue), and while estrogen cream can do things for people whose estrogen levels are low -- which yours very unlikely are at your age -- it's not what's most advised for vaginal dryness so much as a lack of flexibility or brittleness, usually due, again, to low estrogen. For vaginal dryness, something like a regular vaginal moisturizer (which is different than lube) is what is generally suggested, including for people who also need and are already using supplemental estrogen.

4) Was there ever a time any of this felt different for you? For instance, do you have any memories of masturbation earlier in life, maybe in childhood or your early teens, that felt better for you, that felt satisfying?

[kitkatk8]

Thank you for the response !
1- I couldn’t use tampons ever and noticed that my vaginal opening was REALLY SMALL. Turns out I had a micro-perforate hymen, so I got a hymenectomy. Then I realized after it was healed I still couldn’t put anything in and that was when I first started exploring my body. And realized I didn’t really feel much from touch. I never really had any physical trauma and don’t have much memories of touching myself as a child, and the ones I do have, I dont remember feeling ANYTHING, I just remember knowing that it was “supposed” to feel good, but it didn’t. I didn’t actually get diagnosed with vaginismus until recently, this past year or two, because all of by doctors just thought it was because my body was still healing??

2- I never really got an answer of what my pelvic floor issues could be caused by, but they also affect my digestion and stomach issues, and give me other issues like bladder problems. However, I did hear that it can be caused from holding ur pee a lot, which I’ve done my whole life.

3- I’ve tried just using my hands but it either feels like nothing or barely anything, not even something I would describe as pleasure. I’ve tried for 30 minutes and although it seems to get a little sensitive (also yes I use lube), by that time my hands are tired and I’m exhausted and let down. When I took away the buffer, I immediately feel stimulation, even on the lowest level, but it takes longer to reach that feeling that I have to pee and get really sensetive and takes me finding the right spot. When I do reach that feeling of overstimulation, it feels very sensitive, like I have a heartbeat down there and it’s throbbing and clenching almost? But it’s too much for me to put the toy back on me (suction toy specifically) when I do though, sometimes it just dies down eventually. I’ve tried alternating with my new bullet, but it felt no where near the same stimulation as the suction toy, yes it made me a bit sensitive but that was on the highest setting of a SUPER BULLET. And got me no where near a feeling of “pleasure” or “I’m gonna cum”.

4- I’m taking L-arginine, O Positiv Vaginal Moisture and Mood, and women’s probiotics. However I don’t take these everyday, along with the estradiol cream. Im very dry down there, almost painfully, so I’m really trying to do anything I can to fix that. Today I was going to pick up hyaluronic acid suppositories to further help.

5- when I did touch myself as a child, I don’t remember feeling anything, and the memories are ones I try to block out as I was coerced by another child into trying to touch myself. However, it’s not SUPER traumatic for me, just something more so embarrassing that I want to block out. I don’t even think about it and I 99% don’t believe it’s affecting any of this.



-

[Heather]

I'm taking all this in and will respond in a little bit, thanks so much for answering. Can you tell me who prescribed you the estrogen cream -- what kind of doctor -- and for what it was prescribed?

[kitkatk8]

My obgyn prescribed it, I told her I was having issues with arousal and dryness. Im also on birth control (Yasmin) so maybe im lacking estrogen from that?

[Heather]

While I'm waiting on that one, I do have something I think I can add. It's in response to this:

I’ve tried just using my hands but it either feels like nothing or barely anything, not even something I would describe as pleasure. I’ve tried for 30 minutes and although it seems to get a little sensitive (also yes I use lube), by that time my hands are tired and I’m exhausted and let down. When I took away the buffer, I immediately feel stimulation, even on the lowest level, but it takes longer to reach that feeling that I have to pee and get really sensetive and takes me finding the right spot. When I do reach that feeling of overstimulation, it feels very sensitive, like I have a heartbeat down there and it’s throbbing and clenching almost? But it’s too much for me to put the toy back on me (suction toy specifically) when I do though, sometimes it just dies down eventually. I’ve tried alternating with my new bullet, but it felt no where near the same stimulation as the suction toy, yes it made me a bit sensitive but that was on the highest setting of a SUPER BULLET. And got me no where near a feeling of “pleasure” or “I’m gonna cum”.

It's very typical, with initial touch, for that touch to feel like you're describing, especially if and when someone isn't actually turned on. Same goes for folks finding their right spots. When we're not really turned on, it's really common for it to feel like this. But sometimes even if we are, it will start like this, and for things to feel more intense, we generally have to have two things going on: our arousal has to both stick around and grow -- we need to become more and more excited -- and we need to also gradually build up what we're doing touch-wise: increasing the pressure or speed, or adding a toy first with a buffer or at a low setting, then increasing that or what we do with it. If I'm getting this right, it sounds like what's happened is either you have only stayed with that lighter touch of your hands or done that then gone to an intense toy like a suction toy (rather than, say, a vibrator at a low setting with a buffer).

I also suspect that by this point, it's probably really rare for you to be coming to this experimentation actually turned on AND without focusing on making orgasm happen. You're probably also bringing a ton of piled-up frustration with you to each of these sessions, which is hardly surprising if so, since this has been so enduringly frustrating for you!

In terms of more attempts with masturbation and self-pleasure, my best advice at this point would be to step back from genital masturbation and start by regularly doing some things that are physically pleasurable for you, and really leaning into the pleasure-parts of them. That might be something like dance or other movement, massage, a long bath, stretching, enjoying -- really enjoying -- foods you like, or the way certain fabrics feel on your skin. It just seems to me that you have gotten to the point with this where you have healthcare providers treating this like a clinical problem, and where you're coming to it also as a problem to be solved, rather than as experiences to be explored. All of that, and certainly trying to orgasm, rather than just exploring pleasure in a more open-ended way, will absolutely get in the way of not just orgasm, but enjoying yourself and really being in touch with your sexuality at all.

I also have concerns about some of your healthcare providers at this point, especially if any of them are telling you to take these supplements, to focus on orgasm, or to use estrogen without anything to suggest that your estrogen is low or that you are having the kinds of issues topical vaginal estrogen is meant for. Have any of them ever suggested a sex therapist for you or even a general therapist? I ask because I think that would be one good step -- while a hymenectomy is a valid medical procedure, our bodies don't always understand that, and we can carry trauma from medical procedures we feel in our bodies, which may well be the source of your vaginismus. I also think that because you do have sexual trauma in your past, and trauma that is particularly related to touching yourself, it probably isn't wise to totally rule this out as something causing you some issues with all of this. I hear you, with your own assessment of this, but I'd also be curious about if you felt the same way after working with a therapist.

While I'm still not totally sure this is actually a medical problem so much as a long masturbation learning curve with some things making it more complicated, I also think it would be a good idea to see a different OB/GYN to make sure that you *aren't* dealing with any kind of nerve issue from that surgery, if you have access to more care.

Lastly, know those kinds of supplements are not likely to be effective. Unfortunately, supplements are not regulated (I mean, almost nothing is in the US right now, but I digress) and they do not have to have shown ANY evidence to do what they say they do to be sold. I looked at the ingredients in the combination supplement you're taking, and what's in there just can't do what it claims, especially since they are taken orally, so won't even have anything to do with your vagina. I think you're wasting your money here. Hyaluronic suppositories would be a much better way to go for help with vaginal dryness: a moisturizing agent like that HAS been shown to be effective.

(To the side of things, can I ask why you're using hormonal birth control? One reason I ask is that not only can it cause dryness -- and it sounds like it's creating a lot of it in your case -- it can also dull desire and arousal for some people.)

[Heather]

It's weird to me that an OB/GYN prescribed a young person vaginal estrogen cream for dryness instead of first trying vaginal moisturizer. That's simply not standard practice: best practice involves using exogenous hormones very conservatively and only if and when they are needed, especially with younger people. Can you switch to a different OB/GYN and get a second opinion on all of this?

Yasmin, like all combined hormonal methods, contains estrogen (it is actually a pill with one of the highest amounts of it, no less), so no, it won't make your estrogen levels lower. It only changes the patterns in which estrogen and progesterone occur during your cycles so pregnancy doesn't occur. It doesn't lower those hormone levels.

[Heather]

One last thing! Might you be open to reading a book or two to potentially help with this? I have a couple in mind I think might be helpful for you, if so. <3

[kitkatk8]

I’m taking birth control for acne! I got acne in elementary school so started birth control around 7th grade. It hasn’t caused many issues for me besides the dryness. I still have a “libido” like I crave and think about sex, but my body has a hard time showing that im turned on.

Im interested in getting off of it in the future, but am worried about the breakouts that happen after. So im saving getting off of it for after college where im not as focused on my appearance. And if i do fix my vaginismus issue, im really hoping to have regular sex, so it would be wise for me to at least stay on it through college.

Also, is it really possible to have nerve damage from a hymenectomy? And if I did.. is there any fix to that?

Edit: I would be interested in reading a book! Send em over

Also, is it possible to just not be able to feel pleasure? Or is this just a big hurdle and I’m in my head too much. I just really crave sex and want to make sure my body is working correctly so when I am turned on or horny I have something I can let my steam off with.

[Heather]

I do want to be clear that I think we're potentially dealing with two different things here, which may have some overlap (though I think might be more psychological than physiological), but are different things: the vaginismus, and the issues you're having making masturbation work for you.

I do not think your hymenectomy has much, if anything to do with your masturbation issues, particularly when we're not even talking about your vaginal opening as a place you're exploring. I am wondering, however, if it is having anything to do with the vaginismus. Nerve damage from a hymenectomy is rare, in large part because the hymen itself only has very limited nerve endings, but complications can happen sometimes where something during the surgery or healing created issues wiht the vaginal opening or the muscles beneath. Again, I don't think this is super likely, but I also feel like it would make a lot of sense to get a second opinion from a different OB/GYN than you have been seeing, period, and checking in on this seems like a good idea to me.

Can you take a look at what I wrote for you expressly about the masturbation, and my suggestion about focusing for a while on WHOLE body pleasure, not genitals, and let me know how any of that sounds to you?

[Heather]

Also, is it possible to just not be able to feel pleasure? Or is this just a big hurdle and I’m in my head too much. I just really crave sex and want to make sure my body is working correctly so when I am turned on or horny I have something I can let my steam off with.

Yes, it's called "anhedonia," and it usually is related to depression. It also is not something someone is born with or that is generally permanent, rather than temporary, especially when it's caused by something like depression and then that depression is treated. But it also usually is whole-body, not just sexual, which is part of why I'm asking about trying to focus on other kinds of pleasure for a while to see what happens.

[Heather]

Books!

The two I have in mind are:
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by my friend and colleague Emily Nagoski.
• Sex for One by Betty Dodson -- this one is an older book, but I feel like Betty's way of approaching pleasure and the body might be a good and welcome fit for you. The last thing Betty was was clinical. <3

[kitkatk8]

Ah yes I’ve heard of that! I do find pleasure in tons of stuff besides sexual pleasure, baths, reading, swimming, cooking, eating nice meals, etc. I do have depression but I’m not sure if it’s affecting my sexual issues. I am interested in getting a sex therapist as mentioned, would they be able to help me get over the frustration and disappointed feelings when it comes to sexual practice, or what is their purpose?

[KierC]

Hi KitKat

I hope it’s alright I’m jumping in here. I wanted to offer some support and also let you know a bit more about sex therapy.

First, I’m really glad to hear you’re finding pleasure in multiple areas of life. As someone who’s also struggled with depression, I know it can be hard to find those pleasures consistently, so I’m glad to hear you know you have things in your life that make you feel good. To answer your question, yes, depression can impact sexual function. But, as Heather mentioned above, this is not a permanent state, particularly when the depression is treated. <3

A sex therapist is trained to help you navigate and get to the root of any sexual issues you might have. Often we find that sexual issues can be deeply rooted in our psychic lives as well as our physical lives, so it’s often really helpful to be able to address these issues with a trained therapist who can help you navigate what’s going on inside. Sex therapy is also really helpful because sexuality is so intertwined with different aspects of our lives that when you have a more complex sexual issue, it helps to sort through all these variables with someone who is trained to do so. Know what I mean?

Specifically for you, a sex therapist would be great because they could help you talk through where this disappointment comes from, and how to navigate and respond to disappointment. They’ll also be able to talk with you more directly about what happens when you masturbate, in an effort to uncover some understanding of what’s happening and to give you a framework/some tools to help you navigate these sexual issues.

How does that sound to you?

[Heather]

Exactly what Kier said!

I do just want to circle back to some earlier bits and this, from you:

Or is this just a big hurdle and I’m in my head too much. I just really crave sex and want to make sure my body is working correctly so when I am turned on or horny I have something I can let my steam off with.

I do think that at this point, there's no way you can't have gotten too much in your head, honestly. It does sound like you can access physical pleasure, you're just struggling with masturbation (obviously, we can't know if it's just with that or also with partnered sex -- some people do have a really hard time getting and staying aroused without someone else involved, and we can't know yet if that's you or not. It also sounds to me like much of this struggle is just about finding the patience to explore more and to do so in a more open-ended way, rather than goal-oriented ways, like having an orgasm or feeling normal, and to recognize that a lot of what's going on with you *is* normal. It's not uncommon, after all, for teens to still be early in their process of finding what feels good for them and what works for them with masturbation.

I do also want to remind you that there really is no "normal" with any of this. There really isn't.

Human sexuality is basically as diverse as human beings are. There's no one thing that feels good for everyone, way everyone responds to a given thing, or way any given thing feels to everyone. I also hear you saying to "crave sex," and I think -- and this is something else a sex therapist could help you with -- it would be worth thinking about what that actually means. After all, we can't really crave something we haven't experienced because we don't know what that feels like. What I hear you saying is more that you crave your sense of what some people's experiences with masturbation and sexual pleasure are like, and that you also are seeking a sense of sexual satisfaction you have yet to feel. I think those distinctions are important both to try and dump whatever expectations you have that are based on things like sexual media or someone else's body or experience -- which would open you up more to just having your own experience, without comparison -- and to better help you sort out what exactly you're looking for from all of this.