how can I bring back my once high libido?

[kiuhlee]

I'm a 20 year old female and I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year. Our relationship has been really good so far and I really love him a lot. The only issue really is that my 'sex drive' decreased significantly around the time we started dating and has never gone back to how it used to be. I've had a very sexually active (horny) mind since I was young, prior to about a year ago I would have never considered myself on the asexual spectrum at all but with the way I am now it's hard to know what's true with my sexuality. Forms of erotica or sexual notions that in the past would have turned me on and given me that 'tingle' in my body just don't seem to have much of an effect on me anymore. I used to watch porn pretty regularly throughout my younger years up until my junior year of high school which I stopped watching just because I didn't agree with most of the porn industry and found that watching it could be quite damaging mentally and sexually. In the past though, watching or reading porn could really get me going, now even I try to force myself to watch a porn video or read something erotic it really doesn't do much for me, it almost feels like I'm watching some boring documentary that I could care less for.

I also used to masturbate quite regularly, I could fantasize about sexual situations and feel like I was riding on some mind and body high. Nowadays, I barely masturbate as I just never really feel the urge to, sometimes I do just do it anyways because I can still make myself finish but getting 'there' isn't half as enjoyable as it used to be as I'm never really turned on whilst doing it and I'm mostly just forcing myself to finish to get those last few seconds of gratification.

Okay as I've mentioned above I do have quite a bit of experience with solo-sex stuff but it wasn't until a year ago when I started dating my boyfriend that I started actually having interpersonal sex. Prior to this relationship, I didn't have any intimacy experience, he's my first kiss, first time, first everything. When things were starting to become more intimate between us, I was nervous but I also wasn't feeling much from his sexual notions or initiations. At the time I thought it was probably because well it was all new for me so it's probably only natural that my nervousness would mess with my desire to actually do it. Once we got more comfortable and did really get into having sex, I did enjoy the penetration but my desire still wasn't really there. Sex is such a different thing for me than it used to be, it once was something that I truly desired and gained much satisfaction from but now it's more like something that's just fun to do and does me bring some physical pleasure (as well as fulfill my partners needs and makes him feel good) but it's not something I really truly desire or fantasize about anymore.

I did recently attend a sex therapy class my doctor referred me to and most of what I got from that class was the presenter explaining how it's normal and fine to not have sexual desire and that you can still have a fulfilling and good sex life without that 'spontaneous feeling' and as much as I totally do agree with what they were saying, I personally just want that 'spontaneous feeling' back again, I mean I'm 20 I want to WANT to have sex! It's very disorienting to have such strong sexual desires and feelings just suddenly disappear, it felt almost like a switch went off in me.

And I mean I DO feel like me and my partners sex life is relatively good, we don't have sex that often but when we do we both always have a good time and are able to pleasure each other in some way. I guess more it's more of just me wanting to want to have sex more intensely. I feel like it would be really nice if I could experience sex in a similar way that my boyfriend experiences our sex life or at least just experience sex it like how I used to especially now that I actually am sexually active since before it was all solo stuff and fantasizing. I feel kind of bad for not valuing sex the same as my boyfriend, he tries to initiate with sexy talk or notions but that kind of stuff just feels silly to me now that I don't view sex as desirable as I used to, it's just hard for me to take sensuality seriously anymore and it feels super uncomfortable and awkward if I try to act sensual myself so I usually just don't which I'm afraid ends up making my boyfriend feel undesired by me.

I do have many speculations as to why this whole thing may have came to be in the first place:
- From July 2022 to December 2022 I was taking Prozac for depression, I noticed my libido decreased around November 2022 so I speculated that it was due to the SSRI, I went off the medication shortly after (for this reason as well as many other reasons). Going off the medication, I didn't feel much of a difference sexually.
- I've been on birth control since November of 2021, I started Junel-Fe for acne and hormonal balancing reasons. Since I speculated that the birth control may be cause for the low libido, I reached out to my doctor to switch to something with a lower dosage and they then prescribed me with Tri-Lo Sprintec in July 2023. I even took a month long break from taking my birth control in September but now I am back on the Tri-Lo Sprintec. Despite all these changes in my birth control, I never really felt much of a difference in my sex drive (as in didn't really feel it coming back during any of these changes) though I know it could still definitely be a big factor as I didn't go off of it for very long, I'm just really paranoid about getting pregnant so I'd rather keep my birth control.
- Once again, this is my very first relationship, first time experiencing intimacy so a reason could just be that I'm still adjusting to sex and such. My self esteem could be better so that could also be a factor. But then again, my partner makes me feel very loved and desired, I feel very comfortable with him and I don't understand why my brain could still be limiting myself sexually when I'm in such a good relationship. And I really don't think this all has anything to do with me not being sexually attracted to my partner, I truly love him and think he's like the best thing ever. He's been very supportive and reassuring throughout our whole relationship and throughout all my 'sexual issues'.

So although I have all my speculations and potential factors, I still feel like I just don't know what I should do to amp my libido back to what it used to be. It honestly feels kind of hopeless the more time goes by and I remain feeling as I do. There are moments I feel a little bit of that 'spontaneous' 'horny' feeling but it's never for long, usually it's for like a split second literally and it's never as intense as it once was. This has all been very frustrating and very confusing and there's been many times where I think to myself that I might just have to accept that my libido will never be like how it used to be and that that's okay (which it is but also it'd be realllly nice if it could go back)

[Sam W]

Hi kiuhlee,

It really can be so frustrating to feel like your brain and body's desire for sex took a 180 degree turn without you having any idea why. It also sounds like you're already doing some of the things I'd recommend, including trying to adjust how you view what makes a sexual experience satisfying or not. Too, most people will go through periods where their sexual desires is much higher or lower than they're used to, then eventually notice themselves getting back to that previous level. But there still may be some underlying stuff we can identify that's causing this big dip in desire.

You mention that this is your first relationship; thinking back, does it feel like getting into this relationship happened before or after you noticed the drop in desire? And if the drop happened after, when you first met or became interested in your partner, was part of that interest a really, really strong desire to be sexual with him?

Too, can you think of any big life changes that happened around the time your desire dropped? That could be changes like starting in college or switching schools, in your other relationships (like with friends and family), really anything that might have introduced a lot of stress into your life.

[kiuhlee]

Hi, thank you for the speedy reply

It's a bit hard for me to remember the timeline of everything now but from what I do remember, I spent most of October of last year having lots of sexual desire and cravings, it was almost like what people call being 'in heat' I feel like. I think my desire started to drop once I got into my relationship and things were looking like they were soon to lead to intimacy which I feel like may have been just a part of me being very new to and somewhat uncomfortable with sexual encounters. When I first became interested with my partner, I do think a part of that interest was a desire to be sexual with him, being intimate with him was something I have fantasized about before we started dating but once we actually did start dating and we did become intimate for the first time, I didn't have much of a reaction/feeling from his touch or the experience.

2022 as a whole was a pretty stressful and depressing year for me, it wasn't until I started dating my current partner that things started looking up but it also wasn't until I started dating my partner that my libido dropped.

[Sam W]

Those details are helpful, thank you!

I want to hone in on what you said about noticing the drop around the time it looked like sexual intimacy was becoming a possibility. You mention that you felt, and it sounds like you still might feel, uncomfortable being sexual with another person. Do you have a sense of where that discomfort comes from? Does it seem to center around a certain topic, like body image?